A Trump voter called me a “good person” and it “triggered” me to write an essay
Alt Title: The Plagued Question
I wrote most of this essay as a journal entry in December 2024, after the results of the Presidential Election in the US, and before the inauguration in January 2025. It is about a very real interaction I had on the internet with someone I know IRL who voted for Trump in this election, and describes the thoughts and emotions I experienced in this interaction.
I think it is important for me to disclose (given the nature of the title) that I am an unaffiliated registered voter at this point in time; meaning I do not identify as either a democrat or republican. Why? In a former life of mine, I served as an appointed (not elected) public official in local government. It was an exhausting, yet rewarding career I invested over a decade of time into, starting at the age of 17. I was young and impressionable; which is why when a mentor advised me to be as apolitical as possible to advance further, well, I embedded apoliticism into my core. It was sage advice that served me very well in my career, and although I am no longer in the field of local government, I still avoid identifying under either party - valuing true democracy and freedom, and humanity over a dollar.
A question that has plagued my consciousness for a long time: can people be good or bad?
It can be a phrase that is said so nonchalantly in our every day communication - regardless of a person’s belief system or political affiliation. I’ve surely thrown those words around without putting much thought into what that means, or the impact it had on others. It’s also a question, that when posed to others, seems to get an eye roll for a response, or a follow up question of “well what about Hitler?”, which who the hell could argue against? Yes, that’s a pretty damn fair point to the question.
Sometimes I simply want to have a discussion about the mere concepts of being a “good person” and “bad person”? How much collective guilt is imposed at the idea of being deemed a “bad person” by others? What are the moral ethics of claiming that another person could be deemed good or bad?
The question plagued my consciousness again recently, and I’d like to be very raw and open on the internet about some thoughts I have and conclusions I have driven.
A few weeks ago, a person who I was always friendly with, but who I have not spoken to in person in many years, directly messaged me on my personal social media account. He reached out after I reposted something that could be considered a very progressive leaning stance on recent current events.
This person stated their intention of messaging me was to “spread the truth” and “provide facts” (while also not providing me with any of his sources to the false information he claimed I was spreading). This person is someone who I know voted for Donald Trump in the 2024 Presidential Election.
But wait a second - how do I know this person is a Trump voter? Aren’t you judging them? Welp, no, as this was not the first time he reached out to me (unsolicited) after something I posted. After the 2024 Election, I, as a closeted queer person to most people generally, posted that queer rights are in jeopardy. This person reached out to me after that as well, in which he stated that I was being “dramatic” and we got into a conversation where he claimed that I “judged him for how he voted”. He has no idea that I am queer, and may not ever know, as I am currently in a cis-gendered straight presenting marriage. I like to think if he knew I was queer, he would have thought twice about reaching out to call me “dramatic”, otherwise that’s just straight up bullying in my opinion.
I also like to think I keep a pretty open mind, however neither messages were welcomed by any means. In both initial conversations, he made a lot of assumptions about me and/or my beliefs, especially considering that this friendship was not much beyond a “like” on a Facebook post at this point in time.
I resisted the initial urge to bite back at his “spread the truth” message (as I had accepted his invitation for a conversation previously and said conversation was not pleasant), and informed him that his message was not welcomed, that I did not wish to engage, and wished a nice day to him.
He responded with a long paragraph, and in which, he said the following to me:
“don’t fall down to that level, you don’t want to be there I know. You have a good heart and a good person, I can say that with confidence”
Now I’ve acquired many emotional regulation skills through a combination of therapeutic concepts over the years, and I know that I always want to try to act in “wise mind” - a DBT concept. But for some reason, the words “good person” shook my nervous system to my core, only realizing such by my body’s response - my chest felt heavy and there was a frog in my throat; I felt like I was going to cry. Noticing those bodily sensations reminded me that I would have to work my way to “wise mind”, because I certainly was not there yet.
So I paused and interpreted those words that were directed at, and about me - and noticed what came to mind. I visualized all of my thoughts floating down a stream on leaves.
“Why would he say that?” “Do others think I am a bad person?” “I’ve definitely hurt others in the past.” “Am I a bad person?” and then on a leaf, I saw the plagued question return: “Can people even be “good” or “bad”?”
But this question isn’t plagued as in it causes me pain. On the contrary, the question saves me from a sneaky hate spiral that I’m prone to falling into. I snatched that leaf - as it sparked a challenge to the thought patterns.
The luxury of this conversation occurring online, as opposed to in person, is that it allowed me time and space I needed to respond within the spirit of kindness and non-judgement that I like to offer other people. Why do I like to do that? Because people should try to treat others how they would want to be treated. (That's a “should statement” I will support). It may have taken a good chunk of time and thought to formulate that response, but I would much rather be careful and choose my words wisely than lob out my immediate thoughts and feelings as if I were firing from the hip. Speaking is an action. Humans must take accountability for their actions, and do so while also making room for some self compassion.
In my reply, I told him I did not care if he thought I was a good or bad person, because I don’t really think people should be defined as “good” or “bad” - I don’t know if I find it morally ethical to do so anymore.
His response to that:
“you should believe you’re a good person. Because a stance like that makes me fear for you.” and further solidified the point with, “I’m not going to preach but I’ve been locked up with murders dude.”
Now I felt threatened by those words initially, so the stream visualized again. “Why does he fear for me? Is there anything to fear? He’s right - the world IS fucking scary. I have to fear HIM. Jesus christ yet he called me dramatic when I said queer rights are in jeopardy. what the fuck; this shit is paralleling Nazi Germany.”
That leaf would not have served me in that exact moment. I had to force myself to stop pulling that leaf out of the river and placing it back at the top of the stream, using some physical body movements to help shake it out.
Another emotional regulation skill I learned eventually appeared on a different leaf: "Ride the wave and make the space for this emotion. I’m more offended then I am scared. Rude. That was rude. How dare he try to incite fear in me? Keep resisting the initial impulse to react. You are safe and he is not threatening you. He is just sharing his beliefs - albeit unsolicited.”
And then, from the same tree as the “can people even be good or bad” leaf, fell this one:
“Murder is a bad thing to do - a harmful action. I don’t know anything about the people he is referring to aside from they were convicted of murder. But I do know that hurt people hurt people.”
We’re going to shift because I want to connect some dots here, so lets dive into psychological science and philosophical questions, shall we?
Cognitive distortions are defined as thoughts that cause one to perceive reality inaccurately.
There are all types of cognitive distortions, but I want to highlight one - “All or Nothing Thinking”, otherwise known as “black or white thinking”, or “polarized thinking”.
“Good” and “Bad” - they are opposite ends of the poles, aren’t they?
What defines good or bad?
Who gets to decide what is good or bad? (For some secular thinkers and believers, I fear I may have lost you already - stay with me, please, I’ll beg you if I have to. It’s a god or a god’s words, right? But that belief in a god is yours. It’s in you.)
So you.
A person.
You define good or bad.
Individually.
Collectively, however, if we are labeling other people “good” or “bad”, even if it is through our subconscious driven actions, what is that doing to the subconscious of the parties of that conversation? Especially when the intention is to convince another person to take actions or change their beliefs on a specific matter. Is this not a form of manipulation?
And is manipulation morally ethical? Surely not! Where is the manipulated individual's free will in their thoughts and beliefs?
We see it in US politics - these Dems and Reps - one party promoting progressive beliefs, and another promoting conservative beliefs. Majority of our “great” nation is polarized, and became so by inciting fear of whether or not the other side are “good” or “better” people. Yikes! It sounds like this country could certainly benefit from education in psychological science and emotional regulation skills! You think Linda McMahon will help out with that in the Department of Public Education? (I’m being sardonic, obviously)
I fear that other people hold higher value for a dollar than they do for humanity, and what this planet’s future will look like if human’s do not learn how to heal their hurt.
When I hear key figures/important people with large audiences polarizing other humans against each other, I have come to the determination for myself that they are not being morally ethical in their actions, and I personally do not want to engage in further lining their pockets with money.
Because people are just people. And people are capable of doing “good” and “bad” - but it’s in the best interest of humans to remember that the interpretations of such are individually subjective. And we have to be aware that spreading cognitive distortions on a mass scale is dangerous. Case in point - the cult like movement that is the Make America Great Again.
My friend - and yes I will call him a friend, although he is not someone I want to engage with on a routine basis - and I ultimately disagreed on the “good person” matter, and the original discourse as well. I wish I had a more exciting way to end this story. I certainly didn’t feel any warm and fuzzies towards anything he said to me.
But, let me tldr my side of the story (and he’s welcome to do the same for his - remember: there’s always three sides to every story though, although I doubt he will even find this as I have nuked my personal social media accounts, and am solely on the internet to promote my art these days):
My friend messaged me, claiming I was spreading misinformation. He asked me a total of zero questions about the information I posted or why I think the way I do. He tried to convince me that I am a good person to change my beliefs to match his. I defended myself from accusations and insinuations that I do not do research into media and information I consume. I felt sad, misunderstood, and angry during this conversation. I made space for those emotions. And I chose my words very carefully to hopefully reduce any misinterpretation.
This person will not be named by me - only to my partner. Again, we know that humans tend to polarize each other these days; this mass cognitive distortion spreads like wildfire; it’s being normalized. And some crazy shit has happened because of the internet’s existence (please look up why Daniel’s Law was passed by NJ Legislature in 2020). The preservation of privacy is something I value greatly. Most importantly, he is not a bad person, and I do not wish to call him, or anyone else for that matter, as such moving forward.
His unsolicited attempt to change my mind about my core belief system did cause me pain though. That pain was as real as a physical injury. It hurts to feel disconnected/misunderstood by other people. Humans are social creatures after all.
And sure, it could be argued that the act of writing and publishing this essay may cause him to feel pain emotionally in some way. I understand, and hope if it does, he can make space for that, and process the pain in a healthy, and non-destructive manner.
Hurt people hurt people. And people, all people, cannot avoid being hurt; no matter how big the price tag may be to avoid such pain. Hurt is a normal emotion to feel that can be processed just like any other, and it’s part of being human.
We owe it to each other to heal through hurt we’ve experienced, and not be fearful to talk about what hurts us with others. Come to the table of every discussion with the objective to understand rather than react.
Annnnnnnnd here are some other times I remember the plagued question also coming to my mind:
Watching Bo Burhams’ “Problematic” video for the first time
After watching Galinda join in dance with Elphaba in the Oz Dustball Room.
When I was watching a 2 hour deep dive on Trisha Paytas lore and the person said: “Trisha is definitely not someone I would call a good person”
When reading about UnitedHealth’s CEO being murdered in broad daylight.
When reading the deleted Reddit comments and posts of Luigi Mangione’s account
Whenever I think about my mother, who has been the most incredible role model of a human and showed me that love is endless and knows no bounds
Whenever I think about my father, who was absent and displayed abusive behavior to the closest people in his life
When there was an attempt to doxx me on the internet
When trying to forgive myself from hurting other people I care deeply about.
The times I’ve answered “yes - people can be good or bad” to the plagued question were situations where I felt intense pain.
My mind seems to change when the pain subsides, and ain’t that the beauty of being human - having the free will to be able to change your mind <3
Anyway tldr:
